August and Everything After...

I feel like for a while now I’ve had the desire to take things back to the times when I wrote for just myself. It’s been a long time. For the longest time, I believed that writing, when it came to be personally, was a means to an end. The truth has always been that writing is, and will always be, my release.

I was going to start this off by saying something about this being a pivotal moment in my life or that I’m standing at the foot of an unclear path. That thought seems like enough of a focus for reflection. I hate the idea that ideas feel so singular and profound. I hate the idea that it’s human nature to never be able to stand above the fray and figure out where you stand. I hate the fact that I know this to be a fact, when every bone in my body wants to believe that I have within myself the power to change this.

Because I grew up on the wrong half of the 1980’s, I think I missed a lot of the angst-y fun that seemed to grip those a couple years my senior. I’m left wondering what exactly that must have felt like. I ask because I think most of the words I’ve heard to describe these times and feelings can be thrown our way to encapsulate these days. Double Dutch. That’s what it feels like to me. I know, hang with me for a little and I’ll explain.

I think the most amazing part about double dutch is that moment before the kid jumps in. In that moment, there is a world of decisions to be made. Do I jump in now? OK, how about now? What about now? Are you coming in from the side? How about directly in the middle, where the arc is the biggest? Fine, now that that’s settled, do I walk in? flip? summersault? Granted, this is solely my guess as to what’s going on in this specific dutcher’s head. Assuming the best (or in worst, depending on your perspective) this moment in every way is the moment to watch. It’s the time before the magic happens, wedged in between when the shit hits the fan and when the goose is cooked. It’s the time when that person is on the edge of greatness; on the edge of glory. A few seconds seem like an eternity but the call is made and the show goes on. In a lot of ways, I feel emotionally robbed of the prestige of the moment. I or specially we are standing there staring at the rope and these seconds are feeling like an eternity.