An Open Letter to All LOST Fans

Dear LOST Fans:

Your show sucked. I know what you’re thinking, “I love LOST so I’m going to stop reading and go watch some YouTUBE clips of the Jack-Sawyer-Kate love triangle over and over again”. I ask you to pause, hear me out, and reserve your judgment for another time.

For starters, LOST does indeed suck but in the best way it knows how to suck. LOST isn’t necessarily plagued by bad writing like some other shows on TV (I’m talking to you Law and Order, and Desperate Housewives). Also, isn’t necessarily full of boring characters trapped in developmental limbo, like Full House or Family Matters. Yes, we all did the Urkel and shed many a tear when Uncle Jesse arrived late to his wedding only to perform “Forever” like a pro. The problem with LOST, or more specifically why it sucks, is the fans. Hubris has haunted the show since the beginning. Remember that old children’s book, The Emperor’s New Clothes? The one where the Emperor gets tricked into spending a lot of money to purchase "invisible" clothes? Well, LOST fans are going along with their invisible sundresses for a solid 6 years. What the rest of us are missing is that their show is the most amazing thing since sliced bread and if we don’t get that, we can all go to Hell.

            
                A friend said something on Facebook today that stuck with me. She said she was ok with LOST not answering all of the questions because “defining the island would be like defining the meaning of life”. And no disrespect to her, but it stuck with me because when I heard it, I wanted to run out into traffic. I wish I lived in a world where I could in essence take Gillian’s Island and get paid millions of dollars to throw the most random things on to said island with the enthusiasm of a colorblind 3 year old finger-painting in a liquor store. But no, that wouldn’t be enough. I would then have the balls to carry on this way for another year before I set about telling the world’s media that my show was not the drunk-stumble sorority house shit show that it appeared; I actually had a very carefully orchestrated plan for my piece of shit masterpiece that would tactfully bring things to an end after only 6 years. 
               WHEW! “Wait, they bought that?” I would mutter under my breath as I took a swig out of my moonshine flask. And Yes, they would buy that and continue to buy it every season until the horrible horrible end where about 1/4 of the cast without other obligations agreed to sit in a room under the guise of a previous agreement to meet up before they all "moved on". Fuck you, LOST! I know when I'm being shown an awkward cast wrap party as the final scene.


           Much like Video killed the Radio Star, DVR killed the Network Superhit. Like a 6 that hangs out with fat 3s, the TV networks would play these bar room games with us where they would put a mediocre show on a night without competition. Real quick: tell me what show rivaled LOST during its first season? Cookie for anyone who gets that right without the research. DVR and Online viewing allows us to now pick when we want to watch a show rather than play by the VP of Programming's game. My real point is, any show with the right exposure, social climate, and timeslot can generate a popular cult following. Remember Felicity? Say what you want about my girl Feli Fel, but THAT finale was a humdinger. HUMdinger.


Eat it, 


Jays